Aftermath of Abigail

Coming home from the hospital with our new baby, the drama was far from over. Jon dropped me off at home and headed to go pick up Kate. When she got home, she threw up. Just once, with no fever or other symptoms, but still it freaked me out! How was I supposed to keep a 2 year old from getting her newborn sister sick?! Luckily that was the end of that drama, Kate was given a Priesthood blessing and didn't show signs of being sick again. Kate is a very attentive sister, in fact, a bit too interested for my taste. It quickly became my full time job to keep Kate from accidentally hurting her sister. If the drama stopped there I would have been grateful, but alas it continues.

Thursday I started running a low grade fever. I hadn't slept since we were at the hospital and was really starting to feel lousy. I called the doctors office to see what they thought I should do. Basically they decided that we would watch my fever and decide in the morning if it was getting better or worse. I thought I must be getting mastitis. I headed to the grocery store that night to go pick up some cabbage to try to prevent the infection from getting worse. While at the store I was having a REALLY hard time walking. My insides hurt like no cramps I have felt before. Finally at home I took a shower to relax my muscles. What happened next gets gross.....so stop reading if you don't want a lot of TMI and nasty body related things! While in the shower I discovered that something was coming out of me. I tried to wash it off thinking it was just some blood clots or something, however, it wouldn't budge. After some more pulling and standing over a mirror I decided that it was time to call a doctor. The on call doctor told me to NOT pull at the stuff. He thought from what I described that my cervix was detached and hanging on the outside of my body. He told me that going to the ER at that point wasn't effective and I might as well call the office first thing in the morning and be seen. I spent the entire night, even when Abigail was sleeping, freaking out about what this nasty problem could mean. Everything I was finding online mentioned needing surgery to fix the problem. I was an emotional wreck, and felt so sick! My fever had gotten worse. It was so long since I had slept that I was having a hard time keeping myself together. But I was too stressed and scared to sleep. I asked Jon to give me a blessing of comfort, and I felt some peace. Basically I was told in the blessing that although this would be a scary time for me, I would be healthy in the end. Finally morning came and I got a hold of the doctor. They had me come in as soon as I could. The walk into the doctor's office was slow and painful, but by the time I got inside and undressed for my appointment, the crap had fallen all the way out of me. The doctor took one look at it and said it was the amniotic sack. Then during a very painful examination (remember I JUST pushed a baby out of that same location that he was now rummaging around in!) he pulled out some more of the sack. Nasty and painful. He declared that since the sack had been inside me rotting since I gave birth that I clearly had an infection. He wanted to do an ultrasound to see if there was still more material inside me that would cause further troubles. The vaginal ultrasound (yea....they stuck a camera up there too....since his hand didn't hurt enough) showed that there was still a bit of material left, but the doctor was optimistic that it would and could come out on its own without surgery and hospitalization. He gave me 2 antibiotic shots to help my body fight the infection, 2 oral antibiotics, and a pill to make my uterus contract and spew the crap out. Oh, and then he gave me vicoden to dull the intense pain he said the contractions would cause. I was instructed to take the pills and if I still felt sick the next day, or felt worse to go to the hospital and get looked at again. I left the office feeling optimistic that these magic pills were my answer to no surgery and a fast recovery. I have never been so wrong in my life.

Jon came home that afternoon with my pills. So I dutifully took the first dose of all of them. Not even 30 minutes later I had to sit down on the couch because the house seemed to be spinning to me. I couldn't get my brain to focus on much of anything. Some friends brought over dinner and I just had to sit still and pretend I knew what was going on. Then it came time for the next dose of the pills. It also happened to fall right at bedtime. So, I took the pills and headed to bed. Again, not even 30 minutes later I was feeling terrible. My body was shaking, I was sweating uncontrollably and I felt like I was literally losing my mind. I couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, and couldn't think rational thoughts. I finally asked Jon to call a friend so they could give me a priesthood blessing. The blessing helped me know that in the end I would be ok, but didn't calm my crazy thoughts! After the blessing we tried to go to bed. It was at this point in my night I got up and started walking around the house like a crazy person. As photo evidence, I even was feeling crazy enough to take a picture to document my face for this very blog post.

Talk about a scary face!! Anyway. As I went on sweating and feeling 100% crazy and out of my mind I watched the clock. The contraction pills were only supposed to mean 18 hours of pain to get all cleaned out. At pill 2 I was half way there. I was trying to gear myself up for doing this another few hours. It was the last thing I wanted to do. Then, to add to my stress level, I realized during the night that my milk supply was gone! NOTHING was coming out. I was so dehydrated from my intense sweating that poor Abigail was getting nothing to eat. I had to wake up Jon and send him on a 3am formula run. Last time we did this baby gig Jon and I never once had to buy formula, so neither of us knew exactly what to look for. Sadly for us, Jon grabbed a stage 2 formula....so he had to go back to the store again. I blame the no sleep. Some formula into Abby and it was time for me to take pill number 3. I decided this time to not take the vicoden with it--since I thought that is what was making me feel so crazy. Well, that strategy didn't fully pay off. The darkest few hours of my life were during that last round of pills I had taken. I told myself that during that pill I was going to fall asleep no matter what. So I forced myself to stay in the same position until Abigail was ready to eat again. While laying there in bed I started the sweating and shaking again. But this time my crazy emotions took a turn for the worse. I started having really dark and scary thoughts. I couldn't gain control of myself. I was so afraid of the things going on inside my head that I had to get up. I was even going so far as picking out the sharpest knife in the kitchen to cut myself with. I officially have NO clue why anyone would want to use drugs and feel that way! I am not made for the druggie life. The time started to get closer for me to take the next pill, and I knew there was no way in the world that I could go through the emotional darkness again. I didn't trust myself. I just knew at that point I had to get myself to the hospital. Something was wrong with my body and I had to know what it was. There was no way to know if the pills worked enough or not. Luckily I have some of the best friends and family in the world, because I called my friend Nikki and she headed over to get Kate and Abby. A heart breaking moment for me was when Jon went to go wake up Kate he was talking to her and asked if she could be a good girl for him. Her reply was "mommy sick?" I literally had to hold onto the wall to not fall over from emotion. My 2 year old was so used to me being sick that her first logical thought was that of course she was going somewhere because I couldn't take care of her again. More than anything in the world at that moment all I wanted to do was take care of my girls. I wanted to be their mom so bad it hurt in places I didn't know I had inside. But as my friend kindly reminded me, I had to get myself well first. Nikki took Abby to my sister in law Susans house so we could get to the hospital faster. By 6am we were on our way to get looked at in the hospital.

 

Once at the hospital I had to tell a few white lies to get the nurses to contact the doctor about my condition. I had to tell them that I was running a fever when I actually wasn't at the time. I had taken Advil and it reduced my fever. But I knew I was sick. 3 needles, 2 pelvic exams, another ultra sound and an iv of fluid later the doctor on call decided to admit me and do a D&C. I was dreading that answer. I kinda knew in the back of my mind all along that I would end up at that option, but I was so scared to have to go back. I didn't know how long I would have to be there or how that would effect Kate. The poor girl had already seen me in the hospital once. I wanted to be at home with my girls enjoying the time of being a mom of two. Why can't I have a normal labor and recovery experience?! With Kate I missed out because of my spinal leak, and this time it was a serious infection.

 

I was wheeled up to the labor and delivery floor for the second time in a week and started the pre-operation process. The nurses were all super sweet, almost all of them working on my operation had been in my delivery also. I was kinda a celebrity. Not really what I wanted to be famous for, but I guess I will take what I can get. While doing all the pre-op questions I was asked if I had eaten anything. I reported that I had half a bagel at 6am. To this the nurses all shook their heads in shame. Apparently that was a bad thing--even though I had no idea I was going to be getting surgery that very day! Long story short (ok nothing about this blog post is short!!) the anesthesiologist came and said that since I had eaten they couldn't put me to sleep like they normally do, instead I got a spinal. At this point I lost it. The utter injustice of the week to me was that I wanted to try natural childbirth to avoid complications like Kate's epidural, and I did it, but then a few days later had complications anyway that caused me to need the drugs. I started to cry for a minute, but pulled myself together. Being awake during surgery was an insanely crazy experience. A few highlights: the doctor had a big plastic face guard that looked like she was prepared for a paintball war instead of surgery. So I asked her if that was to protect me from her or her from me....explaining that I wasn't sure if I could handle seeing me get her. She laughed and said that no it was def not going to be that traumatic. Then when my legs were hoisted into these odd slings all I could see was my toes and the top of the doctors head. I told the nurses that it was a shame to have my feet just hanging there if no one was going to paint my toes. When the doctor started to scrape my insides out I could totally feel it on the insides of my ribcage. Totally the craziest feeling ever!! Then when the operation was over things got scary for me. They wheeled me out to the post op recovery area and left me there alone for 20 minutes. I was shaking from being so cold, but I couldn't move anything except my arms. That feeling started to make me panic. And panic I did, for the next 3 hours until the medication wore off. During that time I was so scared I prayed and prayed for help. I was inspired by my nurse to call some friends. By this point in our adventure poor Jon was toast. He literally couldn't keep his eyes open. I tried to call his name a few times and he was unresponsive. I knew that he needed to sleep and he couldn't take care of me anymore because he needed to rest himself. I started to get really scared of being left alone. My mom was on a flight headed to come take care of me but wouldn't get there till 11pm. I decided to call my sis in law Heather and ask her to set up "babysitters" for me so Jon could get some rest. That was all it took, and my whole group of friends showed up to support me in my trial. Here we all are (except Susan who was driving to the airport to pick up my mom) Meghan Ruggles, Nikki Diller, Leslie Czuba, Heather Walter.

Seriously these girls blessed my life so much. With their aid I was able to laugh again, calm my nerves, cry, tell them my darkest moments, get hugs, have candy, and feel hope again. I am so grateful for sweet friends like them, I would be lost in this world without all my many amazing friends. They even sent Jon home to rest and stayed with me till my mom got there. I felt so relieved to know my poor husband was finally getting the rest he needed after taking care of me and the girls all week. Throughout the entire experience my husband was my rock. It was a time for me to sit back in awe and be reminded of just why I wanted to be his wife in the first place.

In the end my mom showed up and finally got me to sleep for the first time in days. The nurses and doctors got me well quickly. I was released from the hospital on Sunday afternoon, and gladly headed home. Thankfully my mom had been able to stay with me since I've been home, because my body feels like it was hit by a truck, but I am getting stronger and better every day. I feel this experience has brought me closer to my husband, family, friends, and Savior. Also, it has strengthened my appreciation for my role as a mother on this earth. I truly am blessed to be able to care for some of Heavenly Father's children.